Reflections from the Edge of Healing: Living with Depression and Trauma

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This post is raw and unfiltered. Read with care.

This depression shit is no joke.

I wish there was someone like me willing or able to be raw about their experience that I had encountered on my journey. Not only is the depression fucking horrible, the lack of understanding of it by others — and their judgment and criticism — makes it all the more difficult to get stable with a mental illness.

Stability is absolutely possible.

I am stable living with mental illness, I prefer mental difference. For a lot of my life, I was not finding stability because I was constantly trying to do it how everyone said it should be done, rather than the best way I knew how to do it.

“It” — meaning how I stabilize my own life.

My modus operandi.

My raison de vivre.

Some of it was such a waste of time and unnecessary.

Maybe.

Or maybe it was just how it was supposed to be.

I wonder what my lessons are for my life?

I wonder why I was born bi-racial.

Raised by a single mother.

Sexually molested and violated multiple times throughout my life.

Physically abused multiple times throughout my life.

Verbally assaulted from every direction.

Lied to and tricked.

Discarded.

Always on the outside — never quite enough to be on the inside.

Smarter than most.

Connected to energy.

Patient. Kind. And so forth.

What does all of this mean all wrapped up into one package?

What does this mean?

What is required of me now — in this life — that all of this was exactly how it was supposed to be?

The crazy thing is that I survived it all.

Is that good?

I don’t know.

Because it was excruciating, and I am sure each occurrence was damaging in its own way.

Took a major toll on my energy and my spirit.

I get surprised at times that I am making it.

If this pain I've experienced doesn't extinguish, I must be magical.

I keep my mind focused forward and just keep going.

I feel good about who I am and what my purpose is in this life.

Maybe it was just for that?

Was my heart so hardened that I needed to be humbled so?

My insides have died so many times.

The pain is unbearable at times — and yet I live and I thrive.

And I am thankful for healing and newness.

Behold the beauty in mine eyes from crying.