"...By any other name would smell as sweet."

#meaningmaking #masterlinguist #infinitepossibilities #unconsciousbias #privilege #biracialforlife #microaggressions #DEI

It is us who give meaning. We are linguistic beings and we make meaning out of everything. Meaning is not already attached to people, emotions, words, experiences, etc. We decide every time what something means to us. And everything means something different to everyone of us. We all make our own meaning. Some of us share meanings or have similar meanings. Some meanings are very different from our own. No matter what it means to whom, we each make our own meaning out of everything.

Sometimes we make meaning because the meaning suits us and comforts us, or makes us right. Sometimes we make meaning based on what we learned growing up from our families and schooling. Sometimes we make meaning based on what we think others want us to make it mean. Nevertheless, we are the ones giving "it" meaning, whatever that "it" is for us in that moment.

We take all of these meanings and put them together into what we call our reality. And, so, because we all make different meanings, we then all have different realities. With different meanings comes different standards and expectations and ways of doing things. Each reality created to support the meanings.

I had a job once where I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs on mute trying to convince my boss (a white woman) that I was being targeted by one of my co-workers (another white woman) because of what I believed was unconscious bias. After being accused of calling everyone a racist, I was told by my boss that only she could decide what was really going on. Newsflash: a white woman can never know if what a Black woman is saying is really going on or not because she is not a Black woman. A white woman could never make the same meaning about being a Black woman in a workplace the way a Black woman herself makes that meaning (and vice versa). It is not possible. Unless, of course, you just believe what the Black woman is saying, you know, just take her word for it.

So, this co-worker of mine-after I had went to my boss a few times-became concerned about how I handled a particular situation at work, and the co-worker immediately decided that how I handled it meant I was sneaky, unprofessional, dishonest, passive aggressive, unethical, lazy, inebriated, and so on and so forth. But let's be clear, there was nothing sneaky, unprofessional, dishonest, passive aggressive, unethical, lazy nor intoxicating about it! What was professional for me and how I carried myself and got my work done was very different from that of my co-worker, including communication style and problem-solving and conflict resolution. So she gave meaning to it based on what made sense for her (with a sprinkling of stereotypes on top).

[Ultimately, it was the unfamiliarity and discomfort that fueled the (dare I say it) confronted-bias-not-willing-to-shift-past-privilege attacks I was experiencing daily. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.]

Herein lies the danger: when we fail to realize that our meanings only belong to us and only make sense for us and are not a one-size-fits-all just because that is what we made up in our heads we can be harmful to others. And let me just say this goes far beyond race.

We can all make meaning and have our own meaning at the same time as everyone else, and it can all co-exist, simultaneously. We do not need to do anything to make our meanings right, nor do we need to do anything to make the meanings of others wrong. It is a simple knowing and respect for the inevitable differences in our meanings and realities compared to those of others. And it is ok.

The hardest part for me was accepting that the way everything meant to me was all of my own creation. It wasn't anyone else's. What it meant to be a woman, what it meant to be smart, what it meant to be a good mother, what it meant to be pretty, what it meant to be a student, what it meant when he cheated on me, and so on. It was most challenging when I realized I had boxed myself in because of the meanings I was making.

Now I make new meanings. I decide. That's part of living infinite possibilities. And it doesn't matter any other meaning out there that is not mine. It is only my meaning that means anything to me. It's only a rose because I call it a rose. It will still smell as sweet if I call it something else.

Please share with me in the comments what new meanings your have made and are making.